Well only six weeks to go! The end of uni is in sight. I can't wait to get out of uni. But why? This has been the sum up of my life. I can't wait to get out of this, that or the other. I hated secondary school and sixth form. I went to uni hoping everything would change. It didn't and I know now that it was my fault that I did not make things happen.
While I do not think I have led a boring and uneventful life, on the contrary, I simply feel I could of done more, enjoyed who I was or at least who I wanted to be. I never really did the things kids do. I have had a happy life and perhaps I did not do those 'normal things normal kids do' because I am not normal and such activities were never me. I don't think I ever really had those teenage rebellion years of anti-everything. I have always had few friends and seemed to always go from one thing to another without much care for what had been. From what I remember, year 9 was one of my best years at school. I had a huge group of friends, all like me socially outcast, odd, weird and just generally uncool and unpopular. I fit right right in. While at the time I never yearned to be popular (and I still don't) but I do wonder what could have been. If I were more confident in myself.
I certainly would of dressed differently, made more of an effort to bring out my Gothy side and portray it to the world. I would of been out every weekend with friends doing what skaters, Goths and Emo's do with their weekends, Being generally weird and having a care free attitude. I was always a forward thinker; a man with a plan. That plan was always the Army. Deep down, although I never committed to the Army, I do not regret my obsession about it and it has massively influenced both my life and who I am today.
I do not have any regrets. While I wonder what could have been, I know I can never do it again. Renaissance is all I have. They are fond memories and while there is rough, smooth and baggage, it is all part of my life. Even with three years of university under my belt, I only now feel a need to live life to the max. I never seized the opportunities presented to me in my youth and so I am determined to do it now. My interests have of course always changed but the general theme of 'the different' has always remained.
As for the title, well I have had my fair share of sexual experience and have never done any hardcore drugs. While drinking and smoking is a social thing, other things such as cocaine and LSD just aren't my thing anyway. I am a victim of being uptight, tightly wound and can never really just chill and be care free. It just is not and never has been me. I have high stress levels and get angry or frustrated easily. Again these are all things I want to change.
Change is a recurring theme throughout this blog. I believe constructive change is great but fundamental change is not. We can all work to improve ourselves. This is good and not detrimental. However we must never forget who we are inside. One must never change who they are for anything or anyone. We must remain true to ourselves. If like me you feel different on the inside than you are on the outside then try to be who you are on the inside Let your true feelings prevail.
Happiness is a personal thing. What makes me happy may not make me happy or vice versa. Providing we are happy in ourselves, then happiness in life will follow. Don't compromise
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