Sex, Drugs, Image and the Life I've Had So Far

Sorry for not posting. Family holiday to the lakes.

Well only six weeks to go! The end of uni is in sight. I can't wait to get out of uni. But why? This has been the sum up of my life. I can't wait to get out of this, that or the other. I hated secondary school and sixth form. I went to uni hoping everything would change. It didn't and I know now that it was my fault that I did not make things happen.

While I do not think I have led a boring and uneventful life, on the contrary, I simply feel I could of done more, enjoyed who I was or at least who I wanted to be. I never really did the things kids do. I have had a happy life and perhaps I did not do those 'normal things normal kids do' because I am not normal and such activities were never me. I don't think I ever really had those teenage rebellion years of anti-everything. I have always had few friends and seemed to always go from one thing to another without much care for what had been. From what I remember, year 9 was one of my best years at school. I had a huge group of friends, all like me socially outcast, odd, weird and just generally uncool and unpopular. I fit right right in. While at the time I never yearned to be popular (and I still don't) but I do wonder what could have been. If I were more confident in myself.

I certainly would of dressed differently, made more of an effort to bring out my Gothy side and portray it to the world. I would of been out every weekend with friends doing what skaters, Goths and Emo's do with their weekends, Being generally weird and having a care free attitude. I was always a forward thinker; a man with a plan. That plan was always the Army. Deep down, although I never committed to the Army, I do not regret my obsession about it and it has massively influenced both my life and who I am today.

I do not have any regrets. While I wonder what could have been, I know I can never do it again. Renaissance is all I have. They are fond memories and while there is rough, smooth and baggage, it is all part of my life. Even with three years of university under my belt, I only now feel a need to live life to the max. I never seized the opportunities presented to me in my youth and so I am determined to do it now. My interests have of course always changed but the general theme of 'the different' has always remained.

As for the title, well I have had my fair share of sexual experience and have never done any hardcore drugs. While drinking and smoking is a social thing, other things such as cocaine and LSD just aren't my thing anyway. I am a victim of being uptight, tightly wound and can never really just chill and be care free. It just is not and never has been me. I have high stress levels and get angry or frustrated easily. Again these are all things I want to change.

Change is a recurring theme throughout this blog. I believe constructive change is great but fundamental change is not. We can all work to improve ourselves. This is good and not detrimental. However we must never forget who we are inside.  One must never change who they are for anything or anyone. We must remain true to ourselves. If like me you feel different on the inside than you are on the outside then try to be who you are on the inside Let your true feelings prevail.

Happiness is a personal thing. What makes me happy may not make me happy or vice versa. Providing we are happy in ourselves, then happiness in life will follow. Don't compromise

Change with Seasons

It is definitely becoming hot. Summer is just around the corner, we are certainly in spring and winter is long gone. I don't know why but the change of the big two seasons, summer and winter always bring big changes for me. Think of them as half way marks, 6 months of each. As my friend pointed out, we are 3 months in to 2012. A quarter of the year is gone. As usual alot has changed since this point last year while some has stayed the same. Those changes have been both positive and negative. Constructive and destructive. I am still ultimately happy and now that uni is nearly over, I am looking forward to entering the real world.

As we change, like the seasons and the weather we all develop as people as a whole. Time and experience creates the individual. I, like my girlfriend, wants happiness, success, relative wealth and an enjoyable life. We do not want to be millionaires (it would be nice). We just want a life together.

The last few summers have been interesting times of change and development for me. Summer is often the beginning of a new start, especially in the academic timetable. I do not think I have never stuck with a summer new start, not like a new years resolution. Summer has always been a time of upheaval. Of change, of new opportunity. What those opportunities will be are unknown and unforeseen. This year is the year of the unknown and of great uncertainty. Leaving university, finding somewhere to live, getting a job and keeping it is something only really 2 months away. Time is ticking.

Maintaining the Point-Keeping the Focus of this Blog

So I have had a month of blogging experience. My aims for writing this blog both back in January and now have changed. I guess I can't really explain why I am doing this blog in the first place. Originally it was a means of dictating and scribing my thoughts and ideas on changing my dress and appearance to a strictly Gothic look. This quickly changed to an acceptance of simply the alternate lifestyle. A darker side to the alternative way but not necessarily about being Goth.

I have talked about labels and their implementation as well as perceptions on what we want to be, what we really are and what we project to others through our image and attitude. From there it developed into a blog on lifestyle, work, jobs and just general day to day this and that.

Ultimately I believe this blog has been a means of organising my mind. Call it confusion, uncertainty or even a degree of identity crises. However this blog has given me many things I did not have previous. I have a greater confidence in myself as a person. An individual person with my own thoughts, ideas and opinions. I can wear what I want with a greater confidence. I do not always wear chainy trousers. Nor do I always were just a simple outfit. I can switch and change at will and still feel happy and confident in myself and my own unique identity. I don't feel a need nor desire to conform to any labels or pre-conceived ideas about what I should wear. I am doing things for me and not for society or its labels. I have a tattoo now. It is special to me in its image and meaning as well to a degree in its location.

These blogs are in a way a means of laying out my mind (mind mapping in a sense). It allows me to dabble if you will in an interest without getting either to involved or over involved to quickly. The more I write the more I understand and the more my knowledge grows. I guess it acts as a form of safety net. I can observe at a distance and enjoy it from this 'safe' distance. My former experience of the Army has taught me to not get over involved. It taught me the difference of a healthy interest and a damaging obsession, the latter being my problem and reason for leaving. I do not think I have an obsessive personality but I do go through phases of extreme focus and then a complete loss of all interest.

I have decided also to begin another blog. I do not know what I wish to entitle it. However its content shall consist at its core of Buddhism. It is my own personal belief. I wish to learn more about it and throughout the blog try to practice a better, less greedy and less selfish way of love, compassion, generosity and kindness. I feel such things are at times massively lacking. I will keep you posted on this.

So that is a quick update on everything. This blog will never have consistency or a common theme. It will be random and float loosely around the theme of the alternative, and all things so. But hey, that's me to a tea... :)