Reconnection

There appears to be a general consensus around real gothic types on the internet (not posers or the 'it looks cool people'). This consensus concerns the genuine happiness of being who they are. Some began the goth life at 11-12 while others did not truly embrace the darkness until 25-30. This has put my mid at ease about what and why I am searching for the right path. I guess what I am looking for is a reconnection with life. This life that I am increasingly feeling a disconnection to.

My disconnection began a just over a year ago (jees its been that long)! I had for the most part of my life wanted to join the Army. It was my greatest passion and my biggest obsession. It was the only thing I had ever done that I was good at to such an incredible extent. I excelled in the Cadets and in the Territorial Army. I was the best. I am not a big headed person by any stretch of the imagination but when it came to the Army, no one was better than me. By emphasising this, I want you to understand the massive importance I placed upon it.

But, one night, I just could not proceed. I just felt like I did not want it. I did not want to be in the Army. It was not fear of war or death. Nothing of the sort. It was ironically the lack of individuality the Army provides. I was unaware I craved this sense of individuality, this uniqueness, this essential 'me' element, until that night; and the urge for it was unbearable. I left the Army and referred myself to counselling.

Long story short, I slowly (very slowly) got over this. This was not until I accepted that I had more than an interest in the Army; it was a fully consuming obsession. This admittance helped me alot. I am much better when concerned with the Army and military things. The conclusion of my Degree course in War and Security will allow me to close another chapter of this, effectively upsetting and self-destructing tale.

So I guess it is the impending conclusion of another chapter of this ongoing saga that has led me to the search for a rebirth if you will. A reconnection with a new life and a new way of thinking.